How teachers can tap into the real reason behind behaviour and ideas to support behaviour change through connection
Whilst working with a student for many years as a withdrawal teacher for behaviour support, his teachers kept asking me to provide them with strategies and to work with him to make better choices. They seemed to think he was conniving, manipulative and purposefully choosing to lie in order to get out of being in trouble or facing consequences. This had been an ongoing issue which was not changing but rather imbedded in his reactive behaviours when caught or exposed.
I have observed this child many times when he was being spoken to after an incident in which he was involved in. I used this information when working with him later. These things involved swaying on his feet, looking down, biting his bottom lip, stuttering on his words, repeating his innocence with true belief sometimes anger, fluttering his eyes repetitively and employing a pleading demeanour for the teacher to believe his innocence. These are clues to how he is feeling. The more he does this the more he is likely to lie. I will come back to this boy later.
Over the last four years I have been lucky enough that my Principals have seen the value in my expertise and natural ability to connect with the child. In valuing this as an asset to their school I have been employed as a teacher mentor and a 'go to' for behaviour support and small group sessions to support 'at risk' students who do not normally attract funding. I like to view my role as a window into behaviour. I do not see behaviour at its face value but like to dig deeper and pursue why it is there and what purpose it is serving. In my experience both as a teacher and mother of four, there is ALWAYS a reason a child chooses to behave a certain way and majority of the time it comes from a place of vulnerability and not intent.
To be able to shift this thinking we need to look more into neuroscience and the way our brain works as to what and why we act the way we do rather than simply deal with the act itself. In the short term, dealing with the act in a traditional way will initially cease the behaviour. There will be enough shame and embarrassment that the child will try to comply and be able to manage reactions in the short term. HOWEVER, this is not an ongoing strategy and what eventually occurs is that the behaviour increases in severity and duration. This is when we as teachers begin to scratch our head and wonder why nothing seems to work and the child seems to lose the want to succeed or comply. If we don't see the true child's struggle we unintentionally disconnect with the child, and they begin slowly to disengage. Students naturally like to please, even when they don't show it. If we don't show concern for their true intentions, they stop trying to be seen. Here’s the tricky part - most students can't recall their actions or don't even know why they behaved that way. They simply had an impulsive reaction to an intense situation which hindered their ability to recall their intent. An important point to make here is this does not eliminate the need for consequences. This is about the initial stages when we are dealing with a child who is dysregulated, feeling vulnerable or had a reactive need to implement proactive strategies to escape these feelings.
This is why I established a set of questions to help me dig deeper, build that connection and foster the relationship to ensure students felt heard, seen and understood. THIS keeps them learning, this keeps them wanting to turn up to school and this is what helps them to try even when it seems too hard.
Three areas for focus:
What was the child feeling in this encounter?
Did something happen to trigger the child's protective mechanisms?
How can I help this child understand the purpose for their actions and provide better options for next time?
We need to understand that behaviour change is not behaviour elimination. We should not be viewing behaviour as something that needs stopping but rather supporting. If we can help a child to understand that the choices they made are more to do with their nervous system and how it functions, then this will help them to understand that mistakes are inevitable. They can't help it. Normalising the behaviours takes the heat out of the intense emotions they will experience when they eventually 'mess up'. BUT if they know that we as their teacher will support those feelings no matter what the action, they will be more truthful, more accepting of help and ultimately change will occur.
Behaviour is communication. At its simplest form it is a way for a child who has not got the emotional development to convey how they are feeling in a situation. It is our job as teachers to see the child before the action. To always see the innocence not the way the behaviour makes us or others feel. Yes, this is an important component in the overall management of relationships and issues that are raised in schools but at the most intense moment it is our job to see the child. Connect with their emotion of feeling hurt, not heard, vulnerable or unseen. If we choose to make this our priority, we will begin to build a connection that enables us the opportunity to work on behaviour change, implement strategies and allow the child the confidence to accept accountability and try again. Because without trying we lose the opportunity to practice. This practice is what changes behaviour not the punishment they received, not the shame they felt but the kindness that was shown when they felt their worst.
Remember the student who always lies. I worked closely with him to identify 3 key factors to any ongoing persistent behaviour.
Triggers - what triggered my intense feelings?
Body clues - what physical clues happen in my body to warn me that I am about to 'flip my lid' (dysregulation)?
What coping strategies could help reduce these feelings?
After a few sessions, we discussed coping strategies for feeling stressed or overwhelmed. This was a group session and most students mentioned ideas we had previously discussed such as breathing, take a walk, ask for help, listen to music etc. The child I mentioned earlier said 'lying'. Another student responded quickly. 'That is not one'. I corrected him and said ' Yes, it is. Sometimes we adopt strategies that help us cope in the moment but are morally wrong and don't always work long term'.
After further discussion with the group, I asked this student if he means to lie. He responded 'no'. I told him that I didn’t believe he did either but rather he used this as a strategy to avoid feeling shame and discomfort. The moment those words left my mouth I could see he softened, and this is the moment I cherish. The moment a child feels seen. He became vulnerable and open. This window is short, but it is one of the moments I work the hardest to open. This is the moment we can create change, build connection and build a relationship on trust. I then asked him what happened to the way he felt when he was in that moment. He explained that he didn't like disappointing other people. He didn't want the teachers to think less of him and he didn't like getting into trouble so he started lying and now he can't help it. He doesn’t even realise he is doing it. I turned to the rest of the group and commented:
'See, a coping strategy. He protected himself in a moment of stress and overwhelm'. I turned to the student and thanked him for his bravery, his honesty and explained how proud of him I was that he felt safe enough to share. From this day his lying is improving, he is trying. He runs to me in the playground to tell me when he has tried, he is so proud of himself and excited to share his moments when he fails but also the moments he succeeds. This is behaviour change!!
